How to Stay Stressed

 http://www-psych.stanford.edu/~pinto/stress.html

Although the De Anza Health Office long been an advocate of stress
 management, stress, tension, and burnout are still common complaints of
 students, faculty, and staff alike.  On account of this, we have come to
 the following conclusion: YOU ALL WANT TO STAY STRESSED!  The following
 provides you with a few reasons why.

 STRESS HELPS YOU SEEM IMPORTANT.     Anyone as stressed as you must be
                                      working very hard and, therefore,
                                      is  probably doing something very
                                      crucial.

 IT HELPS YOU TO MAINTAIN PERSONAL    Anyone as busy as you are certainly
 DISTANCE AND AVOID INTIMACY.         can't be expected to form emotional
                                      attachments to anyone.  And let's
                                      face it, you're not much fun to be
                                      around anyway.

 IT HELPS YOU AVOID RESPONSIBILITIES. Obviously you're too stressed to be
                                      given any more work.  This gets you
                                      off the hook for all the mundane
                                      chores; let someone else take care
                                      of them.

 IT GIVES YOU A CHEMICAL RUSH.        Stress might be considered a cheap
                                      thrill, and you can give yourself a
                                      "hit" anytime you choose.  But be
                                      careful, you might get addicted to
                                      your own adrenaline.

 IT HELPS YOU AVOID SUCCESS.          Why risk being "successful" when by
                                      simply staying stressed you can
                                      avoid all of that?  Stress can keep
                                      your performance level low enough
                                      that success won't ever be a threat.

 STRESS ALSO LETS YOU KEEP YOUR       The authoritarian style of "Just do
 AUTHORITARIAN MANAGEMENT STYLE.      what I say!" is generally permissi-
                                      ble under crisis conditions.  If
                                      you maintain a permanently stressed
                                      crisis atmosphere, you can justify
                                      an authoritarian style all the time.

 Are you worried now about how to stay stressed?  You'll have no trouble
 if you practice the following clinically proven methods:

 NEVER EXERCISE.                      Exercise wastes a lot of time that
                                      could be spent worrying.

 EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT.               Hey, if cigarette smoke can't
                                      cleanse your system, a balanced
                                      diet isn't likely to.

 GAIN WEIGHT.                         Work hard at staying at least 25
                                      pounds over your recommended
                                      weight.

 TAKE PLENTY OF STIMULANTS.           The old standards of caffeine,
                                      nicotine, sugar, and cola will
                                      continue to do the job just fine.

 AVOID "WOO-WOO" PRACTICES.           Ignore the evidence suggesting
                                      that meditation, yoga, deep
                                      breathing, and/or mental imaging
                                      help to reduce stress.  The
                                      Protestant work ethic is good for
                                      everyone, Protestant or not.

 GET RID OF YOUR SOCIAL               Let the few friends who are
 SUPPORT SYSTEM.                      willing to tolerate you know that
                                      concern yourself with friendships
                                      only if you have time, and you
                                      never have time.  If a few people
                                      persist in trying to be your
                                      friend, avoid them.

 PERSONALIZE ALL CRITICISM.           Anyone who criticizes any aspect
                                      of your work, family, dog, house,
                                      or car is mounting a personal
                                      attack.  Don't take time to
                                      listen, be offended, then return
                                      the attack!

 THROW OUT YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR.       Staying stressed is no laughing
                                      matter, and it shouldn't be
                                      treated as one.

 MALES AND FEMALES ALIKE - BE MACHO.  Never ever ask for help, and if
                                      you want it done right, do it
                                      yourself!

 BECOME A WORKAHOLIC.                 Put work before everything else,
                                      and be sure to take work home
                                      evenings and weekends.  Keep
                                      reminding yourself that vacations
                                      are for sissies.

 DISCARD GOOD TIME MANAGEMENT SKILLS. Schedule in more activities every
                                      day than you can possibly get done
                                      and then worry about it all
                                      whenever you get a chance.

 PROCRASTINATE.                       Putting things off to the last
                                      second always produces a marvelous
                                      amount of stress.

 WORRY ABOUT THINGS YOU CAN'T         Worry about the stock market,
 CONTROL.                             earthquakes, the approching Ice
                                      Age, you know, all the big issues.

 BECOME NOT ONLY A PERFECTIONIST BUT  ...and either beat yourself up, or
 SET IMPOSSIBLY HIGH STANDARDS...     feel guilty, depressed, discour-
                                      aged, and/or inadequate when you
                                      don't meet them."